Needing to Vent

I need to vent and no one reads this damn blog anyway so I figured it would be a great place to get my frustration out!

Firstly I am pregnant again after a few months back with Dr. S. Which is great news!!!! In fact we got pregnant on the last cycle I wrote about on this site without the injection shots WOOHOO. Our baby girl is due 9/23/11. So very excited.

Along with the baby came a huge opportunity a few months back. My husbands industry is booming right now. He was stuck in a job where he hated his boss and had no room for growth. We always said that if we were ever to move again it would be back to my home town. We love it there, but its country and the good jobs are few and far between. He got a lead on an amazing job and low and behold they made him an offer he could not refuse. Its amazing how making life decisions now versus 5years ago are so different. 5 years ago we would just pack up and hit the road. But today with a mortgage, and almost 2 kids its hard. Anyway we took the job and decided we would make it work. So far everything has fallen into place except for my damn house. We can not sell the damn thing. Every time we get close to an offer the people change their finds.

This happened again this afternoon and seriously I almost lost my shit. I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and was scrubbing my bathrooms last night in anticipation for these people to come view my house for a 2nd time tonight. (we were all but told they would make an offer) Now they cant come and have not rescheduled. I am done stressing, worrying, crying over this shit.

I AM DONE..............................

Cycle Day#21 and wondering

I got a positive OPK on cycle day#18. The night before I started seeing signs that I might be ovulating and low and behold I got a positive the next morning. It's amazing how much more I understand my body these days. So we have been baby dancing like nobodies business trying to make this happen so we don't have to move onto injectables.

In other news I am still fighting with the mail in pharmacy to get my injectables for the next cycle. Apparently my insurance makes me do it this way for really expensive drugs and they SUCK!!! I have been waiting for the drug for just about a month now. Follistim is on back order and they are due to have it in on 1/14 which would mean I would have it 1/18 (CD26) which makes me very nervous. If I have to sit out another month because of this stupid ass mail in pharmacy i will be PISSED!!!

Here's to hoping I wont need them. I am pretty sure the likely hood of that happening is like us hitting the mega millions:) Hey a girl can dream right?

Going Through the Motions

Hubs and I went for a meeting with the RE on 12/22. The first 5 minutes of the meeting was spent discussing NHL and I was just starting to get annoyed (glaring at my husband) when we got down to business to discuss my vagina and other lady parts. Bottom line is that the RE does not feel that I am responding to Femara. Even though I did get a positive OPK on CD19 last cycle. We are moving onto injectables (Follostim) and then Ovadril to trigger and then IUI. He explained the risks, the monitoring, the statistics etc etc etc. I listened and agreed we had our "teach" session on the shots with the nurse and left. In the back of my mind I was thinking wouldn't it be a miracle if I got pregnant this month and didn't have to go through all this. I never say these things out loud but in my mind I think about it. I was calm and hoping for a miracle. Two days later we drove the 5 hours to my parents for a weeks stay for the Holidays. All was good and i wasn't thinking too much about anything one way or another.

Then out of the blue I got my AF on Christmas Eve at my mom's house right before all our relatives arrived. I looked at the toilet paper and my heart sank. I literally felt that horrible pit in my stomach and just starred at the tp. I picked myself up and got on with the day because there was no way I would ever ruin Christmas for Paige. We had an amazing time and she was so much fun. That little girl brings so much light into my life and I love her beyond words.

There was no way we could do the injectable cycle this month because I needed to be home for blood work and US on cycle#3 and I also don't have my shots yet (DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHAT I AM DEALING WITH TO GET THESE DRUGS). So I decided to do another round of Femara on my own. That means one more try before things go to another level and I start injecting myself daily. I am doing my OPK at home and I am one CD14 now, no positives to speak of as of this morning.

Last night hubs and I were laying in bed talking. He told me that he believes we will eventually have another baby. It might take a few years but we will get there. I am a glass half empty, he is a glass half full. Hearing his positivity always makes me feel better. I turned to him and said everything we are going through now makes me realize what a miracle Paige was. I truly feel blessed to have her. I think about all the women who are still trying for their first BFP after years of infertility. I don't stand in that group because i broke through and got my miracle. I am forever grateful to all the powers and be as well as my ovaries, 1 tube & uterus for making that happen. Am I being greedy to want 1 more? I don't know but I guess I will find out.

Cycle Day# 23 the last cycle before it gets interesting

I am still here. Still numb. Still frustrated
I started this month with 7.5 mg of Femara for CD3-7. They brought me in on CD 10 and 12. By CD#12 I had a front runner on my right side that was 14 1/2. That is the biggest egg I have ever had. I thought this was an achievement (even if it was on the wrong side) but apparently Dr. S does not think so. I got a call from the nurse the next day saying he wants to start me on inject ables. I still don't know the details but she told me that this process becomes much more involved and I will be monitored closely. We go in 12/22 for a meeting with Dr. S and then a teach session on how to give the shots. After receiving the call I was a bit in shock. I let the news set in and when I got home the hubs and I had a talk. My bottom line is that I will do what it takes to get this done. He made me promise when we started this journey that I would not get "crazy" and be realistic. I have tried really hard to keep my emotions under control. I haven't cried too much about my failed cycles and tried to remain positive. I have always said that if I could look into the future and KNOW with certainty that a pregnancy would be the end result I would do WHATEVER it takes. But isn't that the problem with infertility, you never know what the end result is going to be. You never know that if you just did one more cycle, moved to inject ables, IUI, IVF if that would be the BFP cycle. That is what keeps me on this roller coaster ride. For now I will ride and try and fight for another baby, but at some point I guess I might have to make the decision to get off. We will see:)

Cycle Day #12 Numb

So today was cycle day#12 and I had to go in for my 2nd U/S to check whats cook in with my eggs. I was there over the weekend on Cd#10 and I had some 7, 8's and one 10 1/2 on the right side (I am a left UU). I had made my appointment for today at 12:20 and when I got to work I realized I had a 1pm meeting. I called the office and changed my appointment to 10:20am. Only I had to leave early because its snowing here today and really bad out. NO REALLY bad outside. I made it there 5minutes late only to find no spots in the parking lot (I made my own). Then proceeded to wait 45minutes to be seen. FRUSTRATION, ANGER, DISAPPOINTMENT, ANXIETY SET IN........

There was grown on the right side. The egg which was 10 1/2 is now 14 1/2 and there is a second egg which is approx a 10. The left side has some 9 and a 10 I believe. They wanted to possibly see me again and I said no. I will test at home to see if I actually ovulate. I guess the positives are that its only cycle day 12 and I have a bigger egg than I ever have had before BUT its on the wrong side!!! Right now I just feel so pissed off at the world. I am so pissed off that I have to go through this to get pregnant or maybe to not get pregnant. WHY does everything always have to be a process for me. I need to vent, to cry, to scream but I cant because I am at work. I will just sit here and fester and watch the snow fly by out the window!!!

Frustration Cycle Day#31

I know it was unrealistic to think we would get a BFP the first cycle back with Dr. S but in the back of my mind the thought was there.

This month I really tried to step out of the box and be positive....say it was not going to effect my state of mind. Every time i went in for an U/S and heard the words "well its not looking good" I said well maybe I just need a few extra days. (I ovulated and got preggo with Paige on cd#28) My last u/s was cd#21 and I had many eggs on both sides but they were all small so the doc gave me a scrip for next cycle and told me to call when I get my AF. I still was not ready to give up. I saw white discharge many days around cd23-28 and thought just maybe my body was ovulating....but I never got the egg white stuff SO I am assuming it was a tease. So here I sit CD#31 just waiting for AF. BOOOO

I love my girl so much it hurts, is it so wrong of me to want to give her a sibling? Why does this have to be SO HARD FOR ME????

Where is my positive now? This process SUCKS!

Off and Running!!!

CD#1 is today!!! I finished the Provera Friday and it started today (Monday) I had very little PMS symptoms so I am surprised.
My Hysterosalpingogram is 10/13 at 7:30am and then I have a CD#12 US on 10/15
I will start Femara on CD#3-#7 taking two pills each day

I am excited and hopeful to get this process moving along. I have some fears about the dye test. Because I only have 1 tube I am just praying that it is still open and clear.....


Saying prayers:)