Cycle Day# 23 the last cycle before it gets interesting

I am still here. Still numb. Still frustrated
I started this month with 7.5 mg of Femara for CD3-7. They brought me in on CD 10 and 12. By CD#12 I had a front runner on my right side that was 14 1/2. That is the biggest egg I have ever had. I thought this was an achievement (even if it was on the wrong side) but apparently Dr. S does not think so. I got a call from the nurse the next day saying he wants to start me on inject ables. I still don't know the details but she told me that this process becomes much more involved and I will be monitored closely. We go in 12/22 for a meeting with Dr. S and then a teach session on how to give the shots. After receiving the call I was a bit in shock. I let the news set in and when I got home the hubs and I had a talk. My bottom line is that I will do what it takes to get this done. He made me promise when we started this journey that I would not get "crazy" and be realistic. I have tried really hard to keep my emotions under control. I haven't cried too much about my failed cycles and tried to remain positive. I have always said that if I could look into the future and KNOW with certainty that a pregnancy would be the end result I would do WHATEVER it takes. But isn't that the problem with infertility, you never know what the end result is going to be. You never know that if you just did one more cycle, moved to inject ables, IUI, IVF if that would be the BFP cycle. That is what keeps me on this roller coaster ride. For now I will ride and try and fight for another baby, but at some point I guess I might have to make the decision to get off. We will see:)

Cycle Day #12 Numb

So today was cycle day#12 and I had to go in for my 2nd U/S to check whats cook in with my eggs. I was there over the weekend on Cd#10 and I had some 7, 8's and one 10 1/2 on the right side (I am a left UU). I had made my appointment for today at 12:20 and when I got to work I realized I had a 1pm meeting. I called the office and changed my appointment to 10:20am. Only I had to leave early because its snowing here today and really bad out. NO REALLY bad outside. I made it there 5minutes late only to find no spots in the parking lot (I made my own). Then proceeded to wait 45minutes to be seen. FRUSTRATION, ANGER, DISAPPOINTMENT, ANXIETY SET IN........

There was grown on the right side. The egg which was 10 1/2 is now 14 1/2 and there is a second egg which is approx a 10. The left side has some 9 and a 10 I believe. They wanted to possibly see me again and I said no. I will test at home to see if I actually ovulate. I guess the positives are that its only cycle day 12 and I have a bigger egg than I ever have had before BUT its on the wrong side!!! Right now I just feel so pissed off at the world. I am so pissed off that I have to go through this to get pregnant or maybe to not get pregnant. WHY does everything always have to be a process for me. I need to vent, to cry, to scream but I cant because I am at work. I will just sit here and fester and watch the snow fly by out the window!!!

Frustration Cycle Day#31

I know it was unrealistic to think we would get a BFP the first cycle back with Dr. S but in the back of my mind the thought was there.

This month I really tried to step out of the box and be positive....say it was not going to effect my state of mind. Every time i went in for an U/S and heard the words "well its not looking good" I said well maybe I just need a few extra days. (I ovulated and got preggo with Paige on cd#28) My last u/s was cd#21 and I had many eggs on both sides but they were all small so the doc gave me a scrip for next cycle and told me to call when I get my AF. I still was not ready to give up. I saw white discharge many days around cd23-28 and thought just maybe my body was ovulating....but I never got the egg white stuff SO I am assuming it was a tease. So here I sit CD#31 just waiting for AF. BOOOO

I love my girl so much it hurts, is it so wrong of me to want to give her a sibling? Why does this have to be SO HARD FOR ME????

Where is my positive now? This process SUCKS!

Off and Running!!!

CD#1 is today!!! I finished the Provera Friday and it started today (Monday) I had very little PMS symptoms so I am surprised.
My Hysterosalpingogram is 10/13 at 7:30am and then I have a CD#12 US on 10/15
I will start Femara on CD#3-#7 taking two pills each day

I am excited and hopeful to get this process moving along. I have some fears about the dye test. Because I only have 1 tube I am just praying that it is still open and clear.....


Saying prayers:)

Waiting and thinking

God I forget how much I hate waiting when it comes to making a baby. I am on day 7 of my provera and feel nothing. No signs that AF is on the way. I can't really remember how long it would take for provera to work?? The nurse told me it can take up to 2 weeks from the last pill. I started the pill on CD 36!!! I also am getting along fine with the Metformin. Today I will start taking 2 pills at lunch rather than one. My goal is to work up to 4 pills a day. The first couple of days it ripped up my stomach but now it seems OK.

I was chatting with a fellow former infertile. She how has a daughter who is 2 but it took her 5 IUI attempts before she got her BFP. She mentioned that her husband had withheld information from her about a co-workers wife being pregnant because "He knew she would get upset." Its funny that we really never get over being infertile. It still drives me nuts to hear of a women who gets pregnant on the first month of trying. WHY is it so easy for some and so hard for others? Why am I still jealous of these women. Even then I first had Paige and didn't think i would try for #2 I would still get pissed. Another thing that pisses me off is people who know its difficult for me to get pregnant and ask "So when are you having another?" Like i can just go to the store and order another??? I guess they assume that since I had one it will be very easy for me to have another. Guess again honey I have to get back on the roller coaster and ride the wave......now its just different because I have a 19month old to care for as well.

Aughh here's to hoping we have some success very soon:)

We have a plan

Well we had our appointment with Dr. S yesterday and we are off and running. I had bloods drawn to confirm I am not preggo (HA) and I will start provera this morning once I hear from them to bring on my period (cycle day 36 with nothing-WONDERFUL). He wants me to try Metformin daily and then once I get my period I will do Femara cycle days 3-7. We will do the procedure with the dies between cycle day 6-12 and will also start with US on day 12 to monitor.
I am a little concerned with the Metformin......he said it can be upsetting to my stomach and I need to start out slow and only take the meds at lunch to see how I do. Has anyone used this med and had negative experiences with it?

Overall I am excited that we are really trying to give Paige a sibling and I am praying we have success. It is such a different feeling walking back into that office all over again. The learning curve is gone and I have allot less anxiety with the process.

Paige is sick!!! She had the flu shot Tuesday and started running a fever with cold symptoms Saturday. I took her into the ped yesterday and its apparently viral. Motrin/Tylenol seems to keep it under control but this morning she woke up with a 102.9 and was BURNING UP. My poor baby. I still really struggle with anxiety about her health. I am so afraid something bad will happen to her. I am hoping she breaks the fever today, if not we go back to the doctor tomorrow.

Wordless Wednesday- Some recent pics of my girl

Feels the same but different

Friday was my yearly OB appointment. I talked awhile with my doctor about trying to get pregnant. The truth is we have been off the pill since March and although I am cycling (irregularly) I suspect I am not ovulating. She agreed although I did go by an OPK last night and will begin testing at the end of this week. I begged her to give me some Femara to let me try on my own but she would not budge. She feels that we would be "wasting time" and I should just go back to the RE and "get it done." Easier said than done. Its emotionally hard for me to go through all this shit again. The blood work, U/S, baby making ALL while trying to raise a very demanding 18month old!!! Sometimes I feel like I will be robbing her of time with me but I have to put that out of my mind. The truth is I am doing this for her!! My husband and I are only children......if I do not give her a sibling she will be all alone in this world after we are gone. I pains me to think that way but its the truth. SO we will forge on, pray for this to work as quickly as it did the last time and hope for a miracle.

Still Here

I am still here. Its hard to believe that my baby girl is 17months old. She is beautiful and sassy, and loving and everything I ever thought she would be and more. I love her more than I could ever imagine and cant wait to get home everyday to spend time with her. Its with that said that I also have a confession. I want another baby in the worst way. Sometimes when I say that I feel like I am cheating her. I made an appointment with my OB on 8/20 and then an appointment with the RE 9/21. I have been off the pill since March and not really trying but also not preventing. I secretly dreamed that maybe I would be one of those women who gets shocked to find out she got pregnant the 2nd time around without even really "trying". I guess that's not the case.

I am scared and excited all at once. I want more than anything to give baby girl a sibling. I only hope that I can be blessed one more time to have the experience.

Here's to praying for success!!!!

Courtney B:)

Changes in 2010

I am trying to keep with some New Years Resolutions this year so I changed/updated the look and title of this blog. Its hard to believe I started this blog before we knew if Paige was a boy or a girl and here we are already coming up on her 1 year birthday next month.

Here are some of my resolutions/goals:
1) Lose at least 20 pounds before September
2) Create a will with Hubby
4) Try to become a more positive person
5) Create new and exciting memories and traditions with my beautiful daughter

It's Paige's world we just live in it:)

Its been a busy couple of months that is for sure. I cant believe Christmas and New Years is over and done with already. The holidays are so much more exciting now that we have a little one to share it with. Paige is doing great right now. She is on the verge of walking any day now. She creeps all over the house by holding onto different pieces of furniture and toys. She can stand on her own unassisted for longer periods of time and she is getting very brave. Any day now she is going to let go and just start walking:) She also scoots on her butt when sitting down to get to where she needs to go. She took after her month and never crawled which I think it hysterical. At first I was obsessing about this and why she wasn't following the What to Expect the First Year milestones to a tee. But finally I realized she is her own person and she will do everything when ready. I remember over the summer when DH's aunt was watching her for us. She has 4 kids of her own and we often call her the guru because she has pretty much tackled everything when it comes to kids. Anyway at that point I happened to be stressing because I didn't think Paige was vocal enough at 6months. After expressing my concern she loving looked at me and said "Courtney they all walk and talk by the time they go to pre-school." At the time it didn't mean much but I often go back to that statement. It is SO true. I realized she is her own person and will do what she wants when she is ready. I will not push her to crawl if she prefers to scoot on her butt:) And as for being vocal well lets just say my house is filled with MANY LOUD noises coming from her all day long HAHAHA

Her ears continue to be a problem. We saw an ENT and decided tubes are the best option SO she will have the surgery 1/21/10. I realize we literally have no other option at this point but I worry for her and don't ever want her to feel pain. I pray everything will go fine and she will recover quickly.